Hey Life! When are you changing?

I am smiling and laughing with giggles on small things.

What does it suggest?

I'm happy. Can't you see it on my face? In fact, I'm feeling top of this world pondering over where to throw the party tonight and whom to invite.

And for all of you who are reading this and smiling.  

THE ABOVE STATEMENT WAS SARCASTIC.

So what's wrong with me?

I have no Idea, or better I should say an ocean of ideas to explain why am I not enjoying and in the right frame of my mind these days.

I want to leave the world I m currently living in. (The world around me and not THE EARTH )

The world where you can't count on anyone for support or merely a HUG. The world where people are not leaving even one chance to put you down. Mocking and Insulting has become a daily routine, and you are so trying to come out of it but somehow you cannot, you aren't able to. Because of what? Your daily 'schedule' or your 'Responsibilities' towards tonnes of folks. People around you passing those harsh comments and that feeling of being low and being targeted don't go. It follows you every odd second of your life making you feel really bad about yourself. There is maddening rush in which you are trying your best not to lose your calm and patience, but the circumstances are such that you can't hold them. It has become so heavy that you feel you are in the cage from ages, and someone doesn't let you go. You Think, You cry, but keep quiet. Because you don't really have the people around you who could just ''LISTEN'' to you. Solving your problems and supporting is beyond Fantasy.

Living around the so-called 'Friends' who do not even know what are you going through? Who don't even care to call you and ask you 'Are you okay '? Or 'How are you doing'?  Who don't bother to remain in contact with you. Who are just not interested in "YOU" all they are interested in is "Themselves". All they are concerned about is what is going with them, their mind, their thoughts, their friends, their life events, their problems, their ideas, their moods and their whereabouts. Basically, 'their' LIFE and not 'YOURS'.

What about You?

Off-course you are their 'friend' and are 'important' as well. Otherwise, who would they tell it to?

There are just two things they know about: ONE is your NAME and other is that you are their listener. That's all

You think, Cry bitterly inside and are tired of showing that there is nothing wrong and everything is FINE.

There is storm inside, storm of negative air and plethora of insecurities and nameless fears that are making you weaker every moment and stronger at the same time.

There is no one to look into your eyes just to identify the real 'YOU'. Nobody is that caring or in other words I say 'FREE'. Indeed they are too self-obsessed to realize that YOU exist.

These feelings get backed up by the one 'MOTHER-OF-EVIL-feeling' that is 'Unproductivity'

You feel you are worthless and good-for-nothing. Not because you really are! Never! It's just circumstances and wrong people.

I want to run away from this. All this mess and World-of-selfish-people.

How I want my life to be?

I want to get free from this and fly; fly endlessly till every sense within me is satisfied to the fullest.

I want to go to place where my day starts with a Morning JOG with my friends, proceeds working somewhere and do the things/tasks I enjoy doing, and ends with a cup of 'Tea' and some conversations in an open air of the balcony in Evening. I want my weekends to be 'Interesting' and myself to be Alive-and-jolly surrounded by a few people who care about me and my existence. Ones who are as much interested in me as much they are in their 'self'.

I want to go where people live for others, where HUGS are exchanged on an hourly-basis. Where  people jump out of excitement just to help each other. Where there are enthusiastic people around me who are always willing to try new things, who make me realize that I am someone, and I am important to them. Just an effort (10 second long) of saying:

"Jay yaar sab kuchh theek ho jayega, hum hain na” could make my day. Could make me feel positive and hopeful that "Koi toh hai jisko mujhse farak padta hai" 

Is this too much to ask for?

I so desperately want to leave this behind, leave everything, leave everyone, leave this negative atmosphere and start a new journey in search of something new. In search of 'Myself'. I want to trust my instincts once again. I want to smile once again and not a fake smile this time. I want to speak my heart out. I want to identify my passion. I want to do every adventurous thing under this sky. I want to learn so many things. I want to laugh endlessly. I want to cry to feel light. I want to Re-live with Right people.

And above all,

I want to remain a mystery to the people who ignored me and thought I am nothing. I don't want to see their faces ever again in my life. I just want to disappear from this world all for GOOD.

Is it really possible?

I'm yet to know this.